Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize