I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Randomize
