The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
