made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
