Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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