I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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