Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
