mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize