My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
