break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
