I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
