he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
