GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
