I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
