I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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