I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
