just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
