Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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