my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
either way he was missing a nipple.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
