shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
