ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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