Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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