I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
