dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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