you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish my penis had a tongue
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
