why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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