you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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