I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
