I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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