Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
