so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize