One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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