i just wanna soil my oats bro
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
