Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
