Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
