Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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