I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
