If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hippo gnu deer
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
