If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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