he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's blow job season.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
