I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize