3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
