my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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