My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
