They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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