If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
