I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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