Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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