I'm lost and stupid without you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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