Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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