im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
