i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize