ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
