I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
