like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
