I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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