I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
