There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
