Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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