I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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