my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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