I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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