Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
