i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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