I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
