someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
