dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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