the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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