I'm sorry my penis didn't work
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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