You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
